Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You can't motorboat a personality
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
