you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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