My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize