mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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