Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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