Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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