Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
