just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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