I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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