Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
