I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
