I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
