WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Never underestimate the power of titties
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
