I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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