After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
