when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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