2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
