I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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