I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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