dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize