the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize