I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
