piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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