Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
