God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
