and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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