im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
