I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
