Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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