The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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