im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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