Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
