Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
