Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
FUCK WHALES
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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