I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He did a backflip because drugs
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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