I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
