hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
