If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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