I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
