You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
