She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
