Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
