When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
