giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
