respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Randomize
