i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
