Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
