I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
