At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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