you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
