when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
They are going to name an STD after you.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
