dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
