before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
