The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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