Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
