You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
