its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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