I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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