My cat gives me a boner
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
