hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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